


Dig two graves, plant two trees

by hinahimetan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:34:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinahimetan/pseuds/hinahimetan
Summary: Getting in a fictional universe with magic ninjas sounds great, sure, but there is not a lot you can change when you don't really know the plot. As most of my knowledge of the Naruto series comes from cultural osmosis and the ocasional meme crossing my social media, my only weapons are a new healthy body and lots of random trivia.And my confidence in the scientific method is shaky when people race on the walls of the buildings.





	1. Prologue

When I opened my eyes and found myself in a nice open classroom standing before a desk occupied by a pair of guys in a vaguely familiar uniform, whose judgmental eyes roamed my arguably nubile form, I came to a simple conclusion.

This must be a dream.

A conclusion that would later be proved faulty, if not absolutely wrong, of course.

But honestly, I could not remember what I was doing five minutes (or seconds or hours) before and the walls held educative banners and motivational posters written in Japanese characters and I felt like submerged in some alien buzzing energy. 

It was a dream or I got high and sneaked to the local Nikkei Association local. And that would not explain how I know the meaning of the posters when I never learned more than six or seven katakana. 

Given that some dreams I still remember were somewhat bizarre (why would an army of giant Cheetos bags would invade my old school?) I was actually relieved my subconscious choose to immerse me in a normal scene. Maybe this was something about insecurity in front of the male gender… rooted in an experience related to an educative setting… now how that could be related to the kanjis… Maybe I wanted to be noticed by sempai?

Well this guys were not exactly my type, but whatever. Psychoanalysis is just a pseudoscience anyway.

After what seemed like three blinks since I found myself in this situation something changed.

“Well done, Shinji-kun” guy-on-the-left said in Japanese (!), with a polite smile “That is a very detailed Transformation Technique you are showing us”

“Thank you, sir”, I replied. Or I tried to reply. Because what my mouth produced is not the string of phonemes the Royal Spanish Academy would accept. It sounded distinctly like something I have heard several times in an anime or another and maybe more than one NHK documental.

Meanwhile, guy-on-the-right finished writing in his paper clipper or whatever and motioned for me to approach their desk. And then there was a light weight on my extended hand. 

“Congratulations, Shinji-kun. You have graduated the Academy”

It’s cool how you can hear the capital A.

“Please proceed to classroom 203 for some final words”

I bowed to them mainly because it seemed like the right thing to do in the setting and exit the nice open classroom in search of the next part of my slumber adventure.

Once in the hall I examined the thing those guys (sensei?) gave me then. It was one of those Naruto headband things. The metal part of it is less polished than I would have expected. 

Classroom 203 was actually in the same floor as the one I exited, but on the way there I crossed a bathroom. Because, you know, bathrooms usually have mirrors I chose to   
enter.

The bathroom in question was thankfully empty and did have a mirror. 

I should mention I am actually a woman. And I entered a female bathroom. And the mirror certainly confirms it. That was me –short, curvy, bob haired, olive skinned, big nosed me- in the mirror. But the teacher back then called me Shinji (that is a male name, right?) and mentioned a Transformation Technique, and, even in my limited knowledge of the Naruto universe, that means my “real” body in this dream is not my actual body? Or maybe the technique was dispelled before I entered the dream? If that were the case this Academy graduates adult people.

Again, that would be so if logic were useful in a dream.

As I had identified my situation as a dream, I tried then to make it a vivid dream.

…

…

Nope. 

If I can’t make either Roger Federer or cute fuzzy animals part of my dream I’m not interested.

How does one wakes up?

My hands had the correct amount of fingers. Ten. Ten fingers. I was still dreaming. It looked like time to reach for the classics.

I pinched my arm. Hard.

That only hurt a little, to be honest.

Then I found myself still in the bathroom, now surrounded of some wisps of smoke and faced with a different reflection. Apparently I chose the wrong bathroom.

Later, once I was seated on the back of the classroom 203, I found myself a little more at peace with my current situation. Sure, under my kimono my left arm was sporting several bruises. My face was even paler than my already pale new complexion. But I had made sure to leave my expression as blank as it could go, and no one else, not the teachers, not my fellow graduates, acted as if I didn’t belong there, in a seat at the back of classroom 203.

Every second confirmed that I was in something that, more than a product of exhaustion and melatonin, resulted from a bored alien space bat. Or a psychotic break.

Once the teacher who gave me the headband finished his speech (basically congratulations for being proud child soldiers return in a week) the classroom emptied slowly.

A group of girls was looking at me, but no one really approached.

Luckily I had found some kind of identification that included my address in a pocket of my pants when I was freaking out in the bathroom. Apparently I could read and speak Japanese as long as I didn’t think about the characters or the words. 

Now to look for my home in a fictional city of a fictional universe I know of mainly for the memes.

Joy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do I have? What do I know? What do I do?  
> In truth, I don't know even the rules of the game. Maybe it's easier to just be carried around by the current.

This place is pitiful. By “this” I’m talking about my current apartment, not the village.

Konoha is actually nice. It smells like the town where my maternal grandparents reside. As a place of sun and rain and rainbows, fruit trees growing just about everywhere. The architecture is eclectic, but picturesque. Worryingly anachronistic too.

But I’m talking about the apartment.

You see, it’s been a few hours since I left the academy and searched for my (Shinji’s) home. When I found it I was happy enough to have where to nap, so it didn’t matter to me then if a shipping container could easily fit two of this apartments. But as at the end of each nap I was still on the same futon, I began to think about my situation.

What do I have? What do I know? What could I do?

Well I have a young healthy body. Even if I have to pass puberty again it would be worthy if it means having a functioning colon too. I don’t really care about the having a penis either. Sure, I’ll need to learn how to use the bathroom again, but having the possibility of writing while peeing is intriguing.

Not that I would do such a gross thing.

Noooo.

I wouldn’t, really.

Anyway, it’s a shame this body looks nothing like mine, but it’s healthy and that’s nice. I doubt my body would have been good at his ninja business, anyway. Not athletic enough. Then again, it had all my neural patterns and everything. I don’t know if I am thinking different or feeling different, but I have most of my memories too. Not enough to recall when the whole transmigration happened, but I remember my family and friends and most media I’ve consumed and college… Well, as much as I’ve ever remembered. I can’t remember every chat with mum, or the exact wording at the beginning of my favourite book or the protocol I used in the last Immunology class. 

But I remember enough for now. 

I hope I won’t forget it soon.

I guess I have Shinji’s things too. That’s a moral quandary too. I mean, sure, I didn’t choose to displace him from his body so I can’t feel guilty about that. But using his things would mean I’m a thief? What about his friends? Can I face the people who love him? What about his dreams?  
If he returns to his body later I’d prefer if he returns to an acceptable situation. I can’t do what he would do, of course, I barely know his name. I’ll do what I have to do to live mostly unharmed and in relative comfort and hope to not destroy his future in the process.

So, Shinji’s things.

Have I mentioned the apartment is tiny?

A single room. Maybe 2x3 m. A toilet shared by the whole floor. I have not found the shower yet. A sink shared by the floor too, apparently.

Inside the apartment? A futon. Two cupboards. An electric kettle. A tiny stove. A tiny fridge. A trunk.

The fridge has enough food for three or four days. The cupboards have just enough cutleries and such that a meal can be prepared and eaten.

The trunk?

The trunk had mainly clothes, books and weapons.

I don’t know really, if he was the average ninja kid, but this is kind of depressing.

I mean, the clothes are all exactly the same copy of the ones I’m wearing and two pajamas. The books are all the issued by the Academy. The weapons look cool, yeah.

I hoped to find a diary or something, but I can’t really find anything about his personality.

The books with no writing on them, or notes or highlighted lines. The fridge and the cupboards had nothing that could count as comfort food. Everything was clean, but the whole room looked empty. Don’t boys have posters and dartboards and such in their rooms? Posters? Porn?

If anything, that made me think Shinji was an orphan. One without significant ties or hobbies.

Depressing, but useful in my situation.

And then I found the secret compartment of the trunk.

I had several envelopes with money and a notebook.

The money envelopes were apparently mailed every month, the last was dated from January. It was nice to know I don’t have to learn a new calendar. Sure, they don’t use Jesus as the starting point for their years, but the months are the same. I would worry if Jesus had existed in the Naruto universe too. The money was good, too. I hope to learn what exchange rate is soon. Maybe calibrate a Big Mac index for Konoha.

But the notebook? Yeah the notebook was a little creepy. It was filled with sketches. Featuring me. The real, other me. The female me. In situations I can identify. Me sleeping on my grandma’s bed when I was about seven. Me getting bit by my hamster when I was nine. The time I had to speak in front of all school when I was fourteen. Me when I was in the first lab of college. It was all me. And the background was definitively not Konoha. Weird.

I returned the notebook and most of the money to their compartment and decided to ignore the drawings as much as I could. 

Anyway, what do I know?

I’m in what I previously knew only as a fictional universe. Of an anime I’ve seen maybe four episodes? Pop cultural osmosis made sure I know at least a few of the characters. And the villains. My best friend’s ex was obsessed with the Akatsuki and I barely averted forming part of an Akatsuki cosplay group. 

So, I saw one or two episodes where there is that Zabuza guy with the questionable fashion sense and the very pretty androgynous sidekick. And two of Shippuden where Sakura fought with the puppet guy with the nice voice.

I know their world didn’t ended, given the endlessly whining of another friend of how much the sequel sucked. 

I really don’t know how to interpret the memes I remember. I mean, how do I use to my convenience the fact that Sasuke is emo? How does it affect me if Naruto and Sasuke are in wuuuv? I seriously think one of the main characters can be considered useless, and that meme in particular reached of misogyny. If Orochimaru is a pedophile that’s bad, of course, but it barely says me anything of how to avoid him or how to defeat him or whatever.

If I can’t be sure of what I know of the setting, can I be sure of my base knowledge?

Is gravity’s acceleration still around 9,8 m/s? Is gravity still a thing? What about evolution? Maybe the humans here evolved from the severed fingers of a primordial turtle.  
Who knows?

I guess I’ll have to read those Academy books and maybe try the old scientific method. Or try to apply what I remember of epistemology.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my new story, built around the shaky and cliche ground of self-insert charachters. 
> 
> If you find a grammar mistake (or miraculously know of a generous soul interested in beta'ing this) please let me know.


End file.
